Observation 2

For my second observation, I observed Lenior dining hall. I was sitting by myself, making observations, eating, and studying for my Gender and Culture midterm all at once. Some of the observations I made were related to seating arrangements and general behaviors between people. What I find almost humorous is that even though we appreciate and appraise UNC for its diversity, that diversity is not reflected in how people interact with one another. For the most part, the exception of a few people, most of the people sitting at larger tables together were of the same race. It could even be suggested that people of the same race sit together as a norm of Lenior. There really is no pattern in terms of gender, but in terms of race there seems to be a pattern of people of the same race sitting together. Another behavior I noticed was that people will migrate from table and table in order to be as isolated as possible from other people. A table may be occupied by only one or two people, but the small group will refuse to ask to sit down in order to be as isolated as possible. In general, it seems that, for the most part, unless the person is somebody that the other person knows, people try to remain as isolated as possible. Except for the few chance meetings and awkward run intos, people do not seem interested in initiated conversation with people outside of their comfort zone.  

Observation 1

For my first observation, I went to the UL and observed people on the second floor. One of the initial norms that I saw about the UL is for people to remain quiet. In the UL, people do not speak in loud tones. Any communication that is done in the UL is through hushed tones, and people that do not follow that norm are immediately met with either harsh glares or annoyed glances. People who chose to listen to music in the UL follow the norm of remaining quiet by bringing in headphones and keep their music at a level so that it does not disturb the silence. Another norm I noticed was the presence of groups in the study rooms. Unlike rooms in Davis library, where often times one person will facilitate a group study room, the study rooms in the UL are generally facilitated by more than one person. The groups will often times stay in there for long periods of time, and only to be filled by another group awaiting to use the room. Other behaviors that I observed was the comfort at which students take to the UL. Many students will nap in the UL or just take a moment to sit down and relax on their computers. The space is relaxed and not as serious as the other libraries on campus. Students in the UL will study, as well as nap or casually read. 

25 Things About Me

1. I'm awkward...but i thoroughly enjoy being awkward! It tends to create a lot of laughter and irreplacable memories in my life :)2. I love reading and once wrapped up in a book, there is essentially no point in trying to talk to me 3. I work at an all girls horseback riding summer camp.....and i love every single moment of my job4. Bud is the love of my life and only my BR girls can understand what that love is like5. I want to become a sports medicine doctor for a professional athletic team6. The first time I told someone I loved them (and mean't it) I said it through repeatedly telling him I hated him <37. Although I often times pretend otherwise, I can actually sing8. I've been playing piano since I was 8 years old, and it will always remain my first love, and the only true way I can express myself9. I hate telling people how I feel, especially romantically...my awkwardness tends to stunt me in this activity10. I get flustered and embarrassed very very very very very very very easily!11. I can't stand people who try to force you believe what they believe, or use personal things that you've told them as faults and evidence for why their way is better....i tend to have very emotional and violent reactions to people like that12. I do not believe in saying hello to somebody who I am mad at or has severely hurt me in the past....its actually for their benefit because I can promise anything that comes out of my mouth will be sarcastic, cynical and aimed at secretly undermining them and slowly picking at their pride13. I'm really sarcastic14. I'm quite witty and nasty as well....but I tend to keep those thoughts in my head15. Rachel Kelmenson and Jenny Cao have gotten me through so much, and will probably remain some of the best friends and support systems I will have in my life...i love you guys!16. I'm hypersensitive to all of my emotions...but I think its a special and wonderful thing17. I hate showing the negative parts of my personality and will go to lengths to not show them18. I enjoy positive people in my life because they rub off on me and make me smile :)19. I'm becoming more positive with each growing day and i'm thoroughly enjoying it20. I love people that I can just talk to21. I'm a mini-version of my mother....she's an amazing woman, mother, wife and anthesiologist and hopefully I'll grow up to be just as amazing as her22. I believe in having a close friends not, not being "cool with everyone"23. I love watching movies and could watch them all day every day24. My boobs are quite possibily one of the most frequent things I talk about25. I forgive eventually....but it's not up to the person I'm mad at to dictate that or how I must go about forgiving them...they just need to remain quiet and give me my Rachel time

Friends

I've had a long, tumultuous week. I am exhausted.

I really had hoped that today would've been better,and it seemed tobe going to crapsville, but some good actually came out of it.

I have really awesome friends here at schools. At home, I had the same group of friends pretty much from middle school until I graduated. I'm pretty shy, and slightly socially enept...so making new friends isn't exactly the easiest thing for me. But, due to my demeanor, I make some of the best and long lasting friendships.

I really had fake, meaningless friendships.You know, the friends where you see them and always promise to hangout, and never do. The people who ask you how you are and say well I'll be there for you and never are. The kind of people you always seem to have fun with, but never seem to be there for you. While those kind of friendships are necessary, I suppose, I'm partial to them. I like knowing the people that I hangout with are with me because they genuinely love me and care about me. I like knowing that they're there because they like all of me, not just because they have fun with me. I like real, true, and honest friendships. No pretense.

I don't mean to sound rude, or that I'm mean to people who I'm not true friends with. I don't mind conversation with people, but I always never feel satisfied from that. I love connecting and often times yearn for connections. That is fulfilling for me.

I think I have it...and it feels wonderful.
It's scary though, but its nice to know (especially after the week that I've had) that it's possible to make again

Event1: Performance-Talk Sex with Sue Johansson

Talk Sex with Sue Johansson....where do I even begin? Ever since my overly excited friend told me about the event, I had been anxiously awaiting for this past tuesday. I mean...come on! It's Talk Sex with Sue Johansson.....what could be an even better combination? From the moment she stepped on stage I knew it was going to be a monumental performance. I mean...one of her first statements was, "They usually don't let me have mics like this because I tend to use them inappropriately..." and then proceeded to be overly obscene with the mic. That was a tad...okay extremely uncomfortable, but hilarious all in the same. I had been having such a crappy week...I needed this performance. I haven't laughed so hard in so long. She really is a phenomenal speaker and did make a few valid points. I found myself in agreeance with Sue when she said that in every other aspect of of our lives we are overly educated about, but our sexuality is often times left out. For many people that is an extremely rough dimension of their identity to overcome, and we overlook it because it is "obscene" and "taboo". Perhaps if more people talked about it, it wouldn't be so taboo. But since our society, while sex is everywhere, we still regard it as a risque and provocative subject. Thankfully for UNC-Chapel Hill, Sue Johansson is not afraid to talk about sex, she actually loves to talk about it and chose to speak to us.

Honestly, I didnt really pay much attention to the, i suppose, "tips" she gave. It made me feel very uncomfortable and perplexed that a 78 year old woman was telling me how to best create. um, certain feelings about myself. However, what I took from her performance was a sense of becoming comfortable with my sexuality and myself and always remaining smart about choices regarding my sexuality. I thought it was quite interesting that she called sex with the use of protection "safer sex". Safe sex is a common term used nowadays....but is any sex without the intent of procreation safe? We have put such a safety guard on things such as condoms and birth control, that when they fail it comes as such a huge shock. While abstinence is not what I would advocate, so to speak, I find that people who are surprised when they do make those choices and get pregnant. Anytime you chose to have sex you are taking a risk, and I thought it was really interesting of Sue (a sexpert and proclaimed sex lover) took the time to stress that fact. Perhaps I'm just being a loser....but I liked it. All of the thoughtful things I got from her speech aside, her performance was beyond entertaining. From beginning to end, her talks about the male sexual organ and the beautiful aspects of a woman's sexual organs and other fun sex related discussions, was thoroughly entertaining. Oooooo.....and I will, never EVER in my life forgot what she did at the end. I don't think I will put this in my blog, but for those who did not go...ask a friend...It was perhaps one of the most epic moments of my life. Thanks again Sue Johansson

This was definently a unique experience I've had in college. In high school and within my household, sex was something you just didn't talk about. It's nice to be in an environment that is so liberal and allows people to express whatever they see fit. Something that is considered so vulgar and cheap at times, actually was not presented that way. The audience was engaged in her speech because she made sex comfortable. She was not like your 8th grade student teacher, but at the same time, she did not speak like a prostitute would about sex (although she does hang around them and learn some, um, "tricks" from them....gahhh!!!!). She had a good blend of scientific words and took the subject seriously. There definently funny moments, but she chose a language that was a blend of humorous, scientific and mature tone and I believe that because of that the audience (and myself) was extremely responsive to her performance.

I thoroughly enjoyed this, and it will definitely remain a high point of my college experience.
Thanks Sue!

Bud

He was super cute :(

.....

Here I am, yet again unable to sleep.
I don't really know what is wrong with me. I kind of know why, but I don't know how to fix it.

Ever since I was 10 yrs old, I've spent my past summers at a camp called Black River Farm and Ranch. Black River Farm and Ranch is an all girls horseback riding camp in Croswell, Michigan. As a young girl, I grew up there and learned a number of things about myself. Then, after my years as a camper were over, I was one of the lucky girls to be selected to be on staff. I worked my way up the ranks from Counselor in Training to Assistant Counselor and finally a full fledged Counselor.

I wish I could explain my love for this camp. BR has become a part of what I identify Rachel Armstrong as. If you look at my left hand, you will see my BR ring that I wear every single day. Without my ring I feel naked. Without my ring, something is missing.

BR took a young, lonely girl who was different from everybody else and gave her a home. BR gave me a reason to love myself because I was surrounded by girls like me. Girls who loved horses and a place where my awkwardness and shyness was finally acceptable. I was able to make my own decisions, and figure out what it is I like from life, and the qualities that I can attribute to Rachel Armstrong. As a staff member, I have learned more lessons about life, hardwork and the beauty in almost every aspect of life. I have sweated, cried, bled, stressed and laughed more at BR than I have anywhere else.

At BR is also where I learned what it is like to really love. My first year at camp, I picked a horse and he instantly became my favorite. I remember sitting in the horsetalk area for halter, being a first year, not knowing anyone, any of the horses or what halter was all about. Each girl gets to select a horse, and I had no idea what horse to pick. It was my second day at camp, and I had no idea who any of the horses were. They came to #16 Bud, and nobody raised their hand. Since I didn't know any better anyway, I raised my hand and picked Bud. As dumb as it sounds, that moment that seems random and completely significant actually became one of the defining moments of my life. Bud became and still remains my favorite horse at camp. I would spend all of my freetime with him, just brushing him. When I wasn't brushing Bud, I was riding him in freetime. My second year, I won halter with Bud and was recognized at the horseshow for all of my hardwork. After awhile, Rachel and Bud became a entity that everyone knew. And when I was on staff, it remained the same. Every camper knew who my favorite was and would run up to tell.."Miss Rachel, Miss Rachel, guess who I rode today??? BUD! I love him....Miss Rachel, did you see Bud today?". I do not doubt that other counselors have favorites and care for them deeply, but of all the counselors, It was probably the most evident my feelings for Bud. I truly love that horse. I love him more than I love most people.

Tuesday of last week, I received a facebook chat from one of the counselors I work with. Tuchek (Emily Tuchek, but we just call her Tuchek), sent me a message saying I needed to call Torie, another counselor. They had been trying to reach me all day, but my phone was dead so they were unable to reach me. Torie had to talk to me about Bud. I knew that whatever she was going to tell me was going to be bad, and I wasn't going to enjoy the phone call. I called Torie on my friends phone and she told me that her favorite horse Champ had died. I told her I was sorry, and then immediately began to cry..."Bud isn't dead too...is he?" I asked. "I'm so sorry Rach...he coliced and died"

For those who know nothing about horses, when a horse colics it is not a good thing. Horses cannot throw up, so when they ingest something that does not sit well in their stomachs or eat too much sand or drink too cold water too quickly, or do not drink enough water, their intestines tangle and they eventually die. It is horribly painful, and a horse that is coliced can be recognized by extreme sweating, and actions such as pawing at their stomachs, biting and kicking at their stomachs...anything to show that they are in inbearable pain. Bud was discovered to have coliced and they tried to give him a treatment to make it better. It didn't...in fact he got worse...and he was dead 24 hrs later.

I know this is probably a dumb reason to be so sad, but the truth is I am. It is almost like apart of me has died. When I think of Bud, I think of camp and when I think of camp I think of the innocence, growth and love that has occured in my life because of Bud and Black River. When Bud died, a piece of my heart died, along with my innocence. I never thought he would be gone. When I said goodbye to him on the last day working this summer I remember saying, goodbye, I'll see you next summer. I had no idea that would be the last time I'd see him alive. I never knew that would be the last day one I would see of the most pure and innocent forms of love that exists in my heart. I love him as much as that first day of halter 10 years ago. No, I loved him more and more each year that I spent at camp. The love never-changed...it is the same feeling.

And now he's gone. And died in probably one of the worst ways I believe a horse can die. In terrible pain and before his time.

I can't sleep. I don't want to sleep. I just Bud back. I just want my innocence and love back.
I probably seem like a stupid horsefreak. But that's how I feel.

I wish my feelings would just go away at this point

My day

I had a really stressful day. I didn't go to sleep.....then took my math test which i did badly on. Freaked out a bit because I did crappy...but they let you retake your worst test for a higher grade at the end of the semester. Wooo...Then I had a chemistry exam that made me want to cry as well. I mean, I think I know chemistry, but 50 minutes????? Come one now....just rush rush rush rush rush and I'm tired and hungry and saw someone I really didn't want to say hi to, but was forced into.

It always seems like you see you don't wanna when you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing. Note to self, avoid student stores at wee hours of the morning...I might just see the one person I truly could punch in the face. Asshole

Anywhooo, after my chemistry test, my day vastly improved. We watched Boyz N the Hood in my Gender and Culture class. I know we were supposed to learn something from it, but it's such a good movie that I didn't really care if I was learning or not. I just wanted to enjoy the movie

Then I met up with a friend at Davis.. :) And my day has gotten progressively better
I hope tonight is fun

It probably would b smarter to go to sleep...but why sleep when there is an endless amount of other things I could be doing?

Sleep

Sleeping has become more of an optional thing for me than a necessity. It's not, o I need sleep...more so, can I afford to sleep tonight. On the one hand, I will be perfectly rested...on the other hand, I will not finish my homework and will be unprepared for class.

I've always been the student that put sleep on the backburner. I think of it as a way of preparing myself for medical school. If i'm already prepared to not sleep, I'm all the more ready to become a doctor.

On the otherhand, I've found that not sleeping is causing me to become super stressed and make some odd decisions, along with accumulating some very odd mannerisms. But, which each night that I do not sleep, the less I seem to want it.

Perhaps sleep is becoming the dessert I always crave. The moment I indulge, it becomes just abundantly clear how much I desire, crave and need the dessert.

17 credit hours is no joke.
I think i'm starting to crack....and the semester has barely begun